


Fears

by Darkrogue21



Series: DA2: Callista Hawke [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Post-DAII, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 17:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkrogue21/pseuds/Darkrogue21
Summary: After fleeing Kirkwall and surviving on the roads, Callista and Anders find themselves in a safe house. At least to provide some small respite for a small amount of time. The stress gets to Callista, who has to balance both her safety and Anders' mental wellbeing. In a rare moment of peace, she has time to journal her thoughts about the events in Kirkwall, and her feelings about the current situation.





	Fears

Callista drew her legs up on the sofa and opened her journal to the next page, she carefully dipped the quill into the ink well that was balanced on the cushions next to her and put the tip to the parchment.  
  
_It has been two weeks since we left Kirkwall, although it's been hard to tell. You can’t exactly keep an accurate track of time when you’re running for your life. I write this in an uneasy peace from the safe-house in Amaranthine that has harboured us for three days, but it won’t be long before we’ll have to move on again, and I’m afraid that we might not have many options left for other safe havens after we leave this one. Delilah has been kind and gracious enough to let us stay here for as long as we have, although I worry for the safety of her and her family if we were ever discovered here. Frankly, I’m surprised that her husband hasn’t just handed us over to the Templars from the moment we showed up on their doorstep, he certainly makes no attempt to hide his distrust of both Anders and I whilst we stay here. I guess it was our saving grace that Anders had ties with Nathaniel from his past time with the Grey Wardens, otherwise we'd probably be holed up in a random tavern somewhere. At least we're safe here with people we know, for now._  
  
_The events that occurred back in Kirkwall, I can’t stop thinking about it…Anders destroying the Chantry…I could say it was unexpected, but that would have been a lie. Of course I was shocked just as much as the next person, I’ll never forget the sight of the devastation, the sound of the explosion or the sounds of screams…but a part of me knew that, in the end, it all had to come down to a radical course of action._  
  
_I don’t condone Anders for killing so many innocents, and I have directly told him so, although he has mentioned that he suffers guilt regarding it on a daily basis. I had wished there was another way to resolve all of this but after such a long time spent bashing your head against a wall to try and get your opinion across, sometimes it all comes down to taking drastic action in order to open a person’s eyes and set things in motion._  
  
_Lately, I’ve heard there are rumours circulating that I should have done more to try and prevent the chaos. However, the people who started these rumours are all talk and know next to nothing about me and everything I've been through, if so, I believe that they would have seen things differently and, Maker’s mercy, would have at least agreed with my decisions to a certain degree. I personally believe that I did everything I could have done, exhausted every feasible and reasonable option, and in the end it still wasn’t enough to prevent events playing out as they did._  
  
_Elthina believed that the Maker would sort everything out, but if that was the case, surely He would have known that a rebellion would have happened eventually if mages were constantly ground under the heels of the Templars as they were? Magic is labelled as a sin on your soul, but even those mages who genuinely follow the rules of the Circle are still abused and threatened with The Rite. A person can only tolerate so much before they snap, an unfortunate event I've seen far too many times with mages turning to Blood Magic and other forbidden arts as a means to defend themselves. I try and reassure myself by thinking that matters probably weren't like this in the past, that the Circle and its Templar guards maintained a fragile compromise that just deteriorated over the passing years due to fear, persecution and bad leadership, but with everything I've seen in Kirkwall I struggle to believe even myself. I try and look at both sides of the argument, but lines about equality, duty and basic human rights quickly become blurred when I have the Knight-Commander, First Enchanter, Grand Cleric and even Anders barking in my ears like a pack of starving dogs fighting over a scrap of food._  
  
_I respected Elthina at first, she knew my family and blessed my mother when she was a mere babe in arms, but as wise as she was, she was blind to the danger that was massing at her doorstep. Although she may have stepped in to calm the argument between Meredith and Orsino at first, I saw her make no progress or even effort to try and reach a solution for both sides. She instead chose to avert her eyes and sit in the background, letting the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter tear at each other's throats until things reached their terrible climax. I do understand with some degree of empathy, of course, that a woman in position as Grand Cleric was bound to support the Templars through religious duty, but I fail to understand why Elthina never attempted to step in when cases of abuse amongst our own kind became obvious. She claimed she felt sympathy for the mages who were persecuted, but it simply felt like she was a person on the outside looking in, I'm sure if she was born magic-touched then her belief may have been vastly different. No person deserves to be abused and treated little better than animals, mages included. We don’t deserve our fate and we certainly don’t deserve to be punished or feared for simply being who we are and utilising the gifts we were given. We're people too, just like everyone else, sometimes I think people fail to understand that and simply give in to fear instead._  
  
She paused from her musings, taking a deep breath to calm herself from her built up anger when she noticed that she was digging particularly hard into the parchment. She set the quill down beside her and rubbed her hands together to try and diffuse her faint shaking: even writing about these issues angered her, but she couldn’t deny that she felt a release when she put her thoughts to paper. She heard purring in her right ear and turned her head to see that she had a friend who had jumped up onto the back of the sofa: the tabby cat was perched right beside her, softly butting his head against her own. She smiled as she scratched the creature under his chin with a finger.  
  
_“_ Hey Pouncey…come to keep me company? _”_ she spoke softly and ruffled the fur behind his ear. Feeling slightly calmer with his presence, she picked up her quill, topped up her ink and continued her writing.  
  
_The troublemakers who spew these rumours also mention about how I should have simply killed Anders for his actions, but did these people ever think to put themselves in my place? Outsiders only ever see the negative of what he did, without even thinking about what drove him to take this course of action, if they were mages, then maybe they would have thought differently. Anders fought fiercely for a cause he believed in, for a cause we both believed in and he strongly expected to die as a martyr for his cause, to escape the guilt of his actions, if nothing else. What he did was reckless and dangerous, and yes, maybe if he hadn't have done what he did then maybe a very fragile truce could have been forged between both sides, but my father always used to say that 'Actions speak louder than words.' unfortunately, this was just a very bloody and destructive form of action that eventually just made things spiral out of control and removed any chance of reconciliation between the two parties._  
  
_Do I believe that I should have killed him for what he did? Honestly? Yes, I do. But some things are never that simple. Many people were baying for his blood after what he did, even myself, but if I had simply killed him in the heat of the moment, would it have really changed anything? The wheels were set in motion as soon as the Chantry went up in a mass of mortar and debris, would killing Anders have really served any purpose other than a fulfilment for vengeance over those who were killed? Would it have simply made me was bad as he was for killing those people? Everyone had blood on their hands, but I certainly wasn't about to add to more._  
  
_At times I find myself rethinking my decision to let him live, I ask the ‘why’ in my head a thousand times over: was it love, retribution, pity? I tell others that I struggle for the answer, but in truth, I already know it. I spared Anders because I thought he could try and atone for his actions, but a part of me knows that wasn’t the full truth…I used it as an excuse, because I simply couldn’t bring myself to put him to the blade by my own hand. When the time came for me to make the decision, I froze. I admit that it was cowardice on my part…fear that I would lose the one man who I ever truly cared about in this entire world, the one man who loved me for who I was regardless of my magic. I guess the age old saying is true and that ‘love is blind’._  
  
_I curse myself for being so naïve and letting my heart replace any rational thought in my head. I let Anders live because I couldn’t bear the thought of not having him in my life…I've already lost my close family: Father, Mother, Bethany, and Carver may as well have been left to die in those Deep Roads considering the fate I chose to give him but Anders wasn't obligated to comfort me through my losses and could have easily focused on his own worries, but he didn't and he was there when I needed him the most. The very thought of living without him now makes my stomach knot and my throat burn. I knew my duty and responsibility, but I still disregarded it because of how I felt, I placed my own needs before the needs of others. Was it selfish? I don’t deny that it was, but I’d ask the others who judge me to trade places with me and see how ‘easy’ the decision is for them in that situation…_  
  
She paused to wipe her eyes from her pent up anguish, noticing some of the droplets run down her face and land on the parchment before she could catch them, she patted her face dry with the sleeve of her shirt and then dabbed the parchment to avoid smudging the ink further. The cat sensed her sorrow and gently purred as he jumped down onto the cushions, brushing his head against her leg, before circling the space beside her and slumping down to lie against her. She felt his warmth on her leg and moved her hand softly over his fur, she heard him rattle with a contented purr and broke a small smile. She sniffed and blinked to clear her eyes, moving her hand away to pick up her quill again, making him move upright and look up to her. His shimmering green eyes reflecting a silent query as to why she had taken her attention away from him. She dangled the feathered tip of the quill above his head and let out a small chuckle when he swiped a paw at it, before she drew it back and dipped it into the inkwell.  
  
_“_ Thanks… _”_  she muttered to him as she gave him a quick scratch on the top of his head.  _"_ Thanks for being here. _"_ before she picked up her quill and put it to the paper again.  
  
_The plight of mages is a terrible one, I’ve lived freely as an ‘apostate’ all my life and all I’ve ever known is freedom. It was such a harsh slam into reality when I arrived in Kirkwall and saw how they treated my kind…I couldn’t imagine me or Bethany ever being imprisoned in the Circle Tower in Ferelden or in the Gallows in Kirkwall, having the threat of being Tranquil looming over you at every opportunity and the Templar’s eyes on you constantly, just waiting for an excuse, any excuse, to extinguish your emotions and make you ‘co-operative’ with the brand between your eyes. My father taught Bethany and I well in the Arcane, he taught us not to fear the magic we held but rather to respect it and not to let it be a negative stain on our personalities, but as something positive: a gift that we should embrace. I always remember his old saying "My magic will serve that which is best in me, not that which is most base." always using it as a mantra for us when we trained and getting us to repeat it until it was firmly memorised. He also reminded us never to abuse our powers, as that's when a demon can take notice of your potential and attempt to get a foothold in the mortal realm by manipulating you. As I got older I began to take his stories with a pinch of salt, seeing them as scary tales that were merely exaggerated to shock two young mages into focusing on controlling their powers and to drive the point home that they shouldn't give in to demonic promises, but only now do I see the reality of his teachings by seeing Abominations, possessions and other dark magics during my years in Kirkwall. Seeing the reality made me step up my training slightly, but overall I do like to think I’ve become strong enough through my trials and tribulations that I can fend off any demon that attempts to control me._  
  
_I just wish the same could be said for Anders, despite all my efforts to try and support him through his exertions, he just seems to be losing himself to Justice with every passing day. He knows that I will try to help him in any way I can, although we don’t always see eye to eye on some issues, but I think that seems to be down to Justice’s influence and viewpoint rather than his own. The spirit never really scared me too much before, but after grabbing me by the throat a few years back and seeing his face, seeing that blistering anger reflected in his once gentle eyes, it truly terrified me. Justice, or should I say Vengeance, has made his opinion towards me extremely clear and I'll admit I begin to feel on edge every time he appears now. His interference also makes it difficult to talk to Anders, as the spirit tends to manifest himself whenever Anders and I have a debate, as if he’s adding his own voice to a conversation he was not invited into. I’m afraid to admit it…but I’ve begun to take up a defensive stance whenever he makes his presence known, for fear of being attacked again. I maintain a modicum of unease whenever I’m around Anders when he is angry or agitated, but it shouldn’t have to be the case, I should be able to trust him…but how can I when even he doesn’t trust himself around me?_  
  
_I find myself rethinking my decisions in quiet moments when I'm alone, asking myself if I really did make the right choice in all of this. For all this talk of 'doing what is right' and 'mage freedom' I fail to see any justification for the innocents caught in the crossfire. I initially did refuse to leave with Anders, as much as it broke my heart and I still remember holding back my emotions in order to focus on surviving the impending Templar attack in the Gallows, but after things began to fall apart in the city I knew I couldn't stay in Kirkwall. I remember packing my bags ready to leave this mess but as I turned for the door, Anders was stood there in the doorway...I argued fiercely with him for what seemed like an eternity but we never got anywhere, he fought me back at every turn of course, but I honestly think I just needed someone to scream at and unleash all the emotion I was suppressing about the entire mess. I don't even know what I was thinking when he asked me to reconsider leaving with him for a second and final time, hearing the faint tone of desperation in his voice, it almost sounded like he was pleading with me instead of asking. I was torn in all directions, but even though I didn't agree with his methods, a part of me still thought I could keep him under control or at least offer another reasonable perspective for this revolution of his if I stayed with him._  
  
_There have been a few days when it’s been extremely difficult to approach Anders, as he’s slowly begun to isolate himself from me and now spends the majority of his time immersing himself in his manifestos and sending numerous letters to his mage contacts. Even from a distance, I can see that he is deeply troubled as his moods swing from manic obsession to sorrowful desperation: the weight of his cause on his shoulders, the overwhelming guilt that plagues him over my safety, the fears over his lapsing of control of himself. Even branching to the nightmares he’s been experiencing recently, of course he never tells me about them, but I feel him toss and turn beside me, hear his cries every night as that creature inside him twists his dreams, the poor man isn't safe even in his sleep. I’m honestly surprised that Anders has managed to hold onto his sanity for so long but it’s painfully easy to see the mounting issues are taking their toll on him, he looks especially tired and haggard lately, as if he's just running on the spirit's energy rather than his own. I don’t like seeing him go through all of his troubles alone and know that I can’t do anything to make it all better…but those are just the unrealistic wishes of a young girl, I know nothing will ever fix what he's done, not now, not after all of this._  
  
_Despite all of his personal turmoil, he still attempts to shrug it off and keep it hidden from me, I think this may be his way of keeping me safe and sheltered from his other self. I've attempted to speak to him about this numerous times now, but he simply ends up avoiding my questions with his humour and acting childish over it, realising there's little to be gained by pursuing these arguments, I simply give up on them. He seems to think that I don't notice his personality and mood swings, but he forgets that I'm the one person who keeps a quiet watchful eye over him in those unguarded moments, even covering him with a blanket at night when he falls asleep at his desk, exhausted. Even so, through some form of inner strength or will, he still remains a devoted and attentive lover and constantly claims that I’m the only thing keeping him sane throughout all of this._  
  
_I can’t help but feel frustrated when we disagree sometimes, because he knows how to wrap me perfectly around his little finger. A quick flicker of his brown eyes, a brief smirk or a playful comment, and I instantly melt or lose my train of thought. It irritates me to no end that I constantly succumb to it and I think he knows it, I sometimes wonder if he does it just to watch me blush and act like a bashful love-struck idiot. Although that's not to say I don't like the attention, it's those small moments we share that seem to keep us frozen in a small space where we're actually happy, at least for a little while, until we have to face the next day and the challenges it brings. I always smile when I remember Varric commenting on how we were a little more 'dysfunctional' than other couples, but I think it was less of a wanting to be together, and more of a need._  
  
She let the quill trail down the page and sighed at herself in annoyance, before moving a stray hair out of her eyes with a shake of her head and continuing.  
  
_Maybe I phrased that wrong, I still love the man of course, however much he irritates me at times with his refusal to listen...but Anders had no true friends until he met all of us and he certainly had no-one to support him at the end when he sat on the edge of retribution and execution. No-one except me. It seems to be more than a physical attraction, one some level I think we need each other for stable support, companionship and debate. I don't even understand the whole of it myself...but I digress._  
  
_I’ve covered a lot of ground here tonight so I think I should stop writing here, this is only supposed to be a small update and I’ve seemed to have spanned a fair few more pages than I would have liked. I am scared of what the future holds for us both, for mages everywhere in Thedas…but I think Flemeth’s words ring true and that you should take a leap of chance once in a while, because it’s only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly._  
  
She set the quill down and sighed deeply as she stared into the fire, she felt much better for releasing her pent up energy but now she felt drained. She softly stroked the cat again and stood to her feet, closing the journal and tucking it under her arm. She motioned to the door as he jumped from his perch.  
  
_“_ Come on, Pouncey. It smells like Delilah's got supper ready on the table. _”_   She spoke as she stepped towards the door, the tabby trotting close behind her and swatting playfully at her heels as they left.

**Author's Note:**

> This became a work I was very proud of and I still enjoy re-reading it from time to time. Angsty romances are my favourites!


End file.
